Mary's Testimony

Jesus has been in my life since I was a little girl. I used to go to Sunday school and hear about Him, and I remember loving Him with all my heart, although I didn't really know Him. I was because of severe abuse, a mentally ill child, withdrawn into my own private world. I was an elective mute for about 5 years, refusing to speak. During my teen years I was quite ill mentally and barely made it through high school. After school, I took off for a large city; I was running as fast as I could away from home. My intentions were to get a job and find a boyfriend and get married, but I was too unstable to manage any of it. I worked but was unable to keep a job. Ended up not being able to pay rent on my room, so decided to live on the streets. Once I had no room, life just plunged downhill into a dark pit. So there I was, a young woman, belonged to the Lord, but sleeping wherever I could find a safe spot, and wandering the streets looking for food, and for hope.

One day I met on the street some people who were playing guitars and singing about Jesus. I ran over to them excitedly. They were singing about My Jesus! They invited me to their place, a commune. When I pressed them about what they believed about Jesus, they wouldn't answer me. I asked if they had any literature about their beliefs, they said no. But they were good to me, and so I stayed with them for a while. Then they began to speak to me of moving far away, to another large city in another province about 1500 miles away. They began to speak of their leader, and of how I could help support Gods work if I would move with them and they would make sure I had a good job. This was good news for me. I had always wanted to do Gods work, whatever that was. Now they would help me to do that. I didn't know that there were cults who preyed on young women. I didn't know they weren't talking about My Jesus, but another.

One day when I was in front of the bus station begging, I saw a man giving out tracts, I went over to him, asked him some questions and found out he was from another commune, but the same religious group as the one I was involved in. He didn't know me, didn't know that at my group they were carefully keeping all the literature away from me. He handed me a tract. That tract opened up my eyes. They weren't talking about My Jesus, the One who had revealed Himself to me as a little girl, and the One I loved. At the back of the tract was the group name, Children of God. I never went back to them.

The rest of my homeless time was spent drinking until I passed out, wandering the streets and riding the subway around for something to do

On Sundays I learned to follow Christians out of church service around noon, as they would always go into the nearby restaurants. I would go in and stand by their table until I was thrown out or given food. One day I followed 3 ladies and stood silently by their table when they made room for me and invited me to sit with them, and they bought me a meal. They let me actually eat with them. I will never forget that day.

Being homeless, I would forget to take off my shoes so my feet could rest, they would blister and sweat and I got infections. Socks wore out and so would go barefoot in any old sneakers I could find in garbage cans or in bins behind stores. Sometimes i had to tie the shoes on with string. One day a man in a business suit took me into a shoe store and bought me brand new good quality leather shoes, and new socks. I didn't say a word, no "thank you", it didn't occur to me to say that, but I was grateful, so grateful.

Men were a big problem, I had no protective skills at all, and was abused by them over and over, and was violently raped and continually pursued by a pimp. A Christian street worker began trying to help me, he invited me to a youth meeting at his church and I went. It's a long story, but this Christian man eventually rescued me off the streets and out of the clutches of this criminal. The Christian man took me to his mother's house where I stayed until a family took me into their home. I was pregnant and sick and very thin. I will never forget my first bath there, and then climbing into a bed with clean sheets.

I stared up at the ceiling and thought of God and His love.

When I was rescued off the streets, and was in a nice home with people who spoke kindly to me, that was the most wonderful day of my life, till then. First the lady thought I might be hungry, so she asked me what I wanted to eat. When she opened the fridge it was full to overflowing, I had never seen a fridge full like that. She cooked me a meal, I ate it, and it was delicious. When I was done eating, I heard her calling me. She emerged from the bathroom and said, "your bath is ready sweetie"...I could hear water running. In my mind I thought, "a bath??? EEEEWWWWWW" I stuck my head inside the bathroom and there it was, bubble bath up to the top almost. I thought, "I'm not getting in THAT!" But I had told the Lord I would be good and not give this lady any trouble. So I got in the tub. The lady pointed out the shampoo to me as if she knew it hadn't occurred to me I had to wash my hair also. Well, when I got out there was a clean nightie and then I was put to bed in a beautiful bedroom, it was so nice.

That was my first day off the street.

A Christian family took me into their home not long after, where I stayed until my baby was born. It was a happy time for me. They encouraged me to keep the baby, although I had planned to let someone adopt her. I have often wished they had stayed out of it and let me go through with my plans. However maybe God had His way, I am not sure. So I had a baby girl and kept her. Then I was told I had to leave now. They had no idea what was ahead for my child and me. I had no life skills, certainly no ability to care for a baby, but I went ahead and did it. At first when the baby cried a lot and I didn't get any sleep, I would want to beat her up or throw her out the window. At those times of anger I would call on Jesus for help, and somehow He would always come and ease my anger and help me care properly for the baby. I understand completely how some mothers lose it and hurt their children. But I had the Lord to help me. So many times my baby was at great risk of harm, only God and I know how much. I have forgiven myself, because God has forgiven me.

But I never harmed her physically, thanks to the Lord.

She did suffer however from neglect, and I also treated her not as a child, but as an adult. It was role reversal, she was the adult, I was the child. For instance, I would tell her, at age 7, how much money we had for the month for food, and what should we buy with it, and she would sit and figure out how much this cost and that, and then she would tell me what to buy. I had no idea what I was doing was so harmful to her, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she was forced to carry adult burdens at an early age. When she was a year old I went to work. It was hell. I didn't earn enough to keep us. Everything went to pay babysitting, and I was tired all the time.

But somehow we survived.

Eventually I began to fall into bad relationships, not with men, I hated men and avoided them, but with women who were abusive to me and controlled me a lot. But I didn't know how to live, I felt like I didn't know how to manage life and I needed others to tell me what to do, and I found lots of people willing to tell me what to do all the time, but not anyone who cared for me or was willing to help me.

Church was a place I seldom went. Whenever I did go, I was rejected and ignored. But I raised my child working full time until she was 18. We were in terrible poverty all the time. She never had birthday gifts or summer camp or new school clothes. It was hard. My family rejected her; we were a shame to the family. When she was a teenager she worked at horse farms to earn extra money for herself. She did well in school and graduated with good marks. Now she is married with 2 little boys, and is in university studying hard. I am very proud of her. While raising my child I managed to stay relatively stable emotionally. I wasn't normal or free, but I was coping. All the pain of my past was stuffed somewhere inside, locked away. I made vows never to remember those horrible things, but shame covered me like a blanket and ruled everything I said and did.

After my daughter left home and married and began having babies, I began falling apart. I lost my job, but was in such terrible shape I was unable to find another job or to work. Could no longer pay rent and began living with various friends here and there, finally ended up alone in a small room where I went into a breakdown. At times I would lie on the floor unable to move for hours and would cry in such despair until I couldn't cry any more, and then I would moan. For 6 months I never slept more than an hour at a time, many times going for days with no sleep at all. Bedtime I had to go through this ritual. I would take the sheets and blankets off the bed and shake everything and remake the bed, tucking everything in tight and then crawling in. All this was to make sure there were no spiders in my bed, but it was to no avail. As soon as I was in bed they would begin crawling on me, under the blankets, or on top of the blankets, or dropping on my head from the ceiling. I would scream and try to kill them but they couldn't be killed, they weren't real. I didn't dare go to the doctor with this. I would have been put in hospital and I was afraid of that. When I did fall asleep I had nightmares.

When I was awake invisible things tormented me often

Grabbed by hands and shaken. Knocked off chairs to the floor. Pushed up against the wall and held there for hours, or poked somewhere on my body by an invisible finger, in the same spot, for days on end until I would run around my room screaming. It was torture beyond description. Actually these attacks had always been occurring during my life, but only occasionally. My daughter was attacked during her childhood. But this was an increase in the attacks. I had been going to church and given my life to God again. I don't know how many times I got saved and baptized. But it didn't make any difference to my life or to these attacks. I didn't really know Jesus very much. I knew about Him, but I didn't know Him personally. Well, finally this got so bad that I just began crying out to God to do something. I was dying. I knew they would kill me. So anyway I began crying out to God, "If You don't do something, I am going to die like this". That was my prayer. I prayed it over and over.

And God brought a young woman into my life from the USA. She was only 25 but walked in an anointing I had never seen.

I had already been to all the pastors I knew in my city and they had not known what to do. This lady knew what to do. She came to my place one day with another Christian lady and she explained deliverance to me. Then she cast those things out of me. It took 3 hours. When they finally came out of me, there was a horrible smell that filled the room. The ladies backed off almost gagging. Demons stink. Hell probably stinks like that. I know I am being blunt here, but this is exactly what happened to me.

They prayed for me to receive the Holy Spirit and I did, and received the gift of tongues.

For 3 days I was deliriously happy, sooooo in love with Jesus. He was real! He was in my life, and He loved me! Then they returned. But the lady had told me what to do. She had given me a praise tape that I played over and over. And so when they returned, I was playing my tape and singing to the Lord. I said to them, "Well stay if you want but I am not gonna stop praising Jesus." I probably should have told them to leave, but anyway, they hung around for 3 days and I just kept praising Jesus the whole time. When I laid down in bed they tried to attack me but I just got back up and sang to Jesus some more. Finally they left and haven't been back. There is a lot here I am having to leave out, about the attacks and my deliverance. But this is enough that you have an idea what Jesus did for me.

Thank you Jesus for freeing me.

Depression is something I lived with most of my life, on and off depending on circumstances. Suicidal thoughts, and deep feelings of shame and worthlessness and hopelessness plagued me constantly. But I had times when it would seem to have disappeared, and I would think I was free of it, but always it returned. For the past year I was suicidal and in deep depression. I was also having severe anxiety attacks. For Christmas I went and visited my brother and his family, and they became so worried because I was in deep depression and hinting that I would rather just die, that I was hoping for death. I didn't know what to do, or how to get out of this condition. I was a Christian, and had been since a young girl, but going to church and singing hymns and memorizing bible verses had not set me free of this depression.

I am 52 years old, and a single woman. I'd been abused and neglected as a child, ended up homeless on the streets of a large city as a young woman and was suffering from mental illness. Raped, I gave birth to a baby girl and kept her, and raised her alone in terrible poverty, neglected and rejected by family and by the church. My belief in Jesus Christ never changed, I had accepted Him as my Saviour when I was age 9, and I always loved Him. But now, I found myself alone. My daughter was grown and married and living away from me, and now I had time to sit and reflect, and compare myself to others. And I came up painfully short. No education to speak of, no home, no husband, no money, and a past of struggle just to stay sane, my life seemed hopeless. When I compared myself to others, I only saw how I failed, and was less than and not as good as anyone else. When a single man at my church made friends with me, I thought this was God bringing me a husband. I was so certain that if I just waited patiently he would become romantic and date me or whatever; I had no experience with men or dating, as I had never had a boyfriend. But when time passed and he continued to just be a friend, I realized he wasn't interested in romance.

Then I plunged into deeper depression, and became suicidal. I saw no hope for my life. I saw no future. And the pain in my mind and heart was so unbearable I thought at times I would simply die from it.

There had to be someone to blame for this situation I found myself in. And now God began to get my anger and rejection, I even at one point told Him to go away, that I hated Him. Never before had I ever thought or said such awful things to the God I had loved all my life. I soon repented of that and returned to Him, and found He hadn't left me at all, He was as always a loving Heavenly Father, waiting for His daughter to get past her temper tantrum. But I didn't know what to do or how to get past these raging emotions and this depression and suicidal thoughts and hopelessness.

Slowly, little by little, I began talking to Jesus about my life. I began to pour out my heart to Him. I cried and sobbed and asked Him why, why did I have to be abused and suffer so horribly, and end up homeless? Why did You not do something to help me? Why have I ended up alone and in poverty and with no hope for a future? This went on for days while I cried and asked Him for answers. One day He spoke so softly and gently to my heart.

In answer to my question of, why did you not help me? He said this:

"I didn't deliver you FROM it (the abuse and suffering) but I delivered you THROUGH it."

He began to show me the times in my life when He was there, with me, during the suffering, during the loneliness and confusion and the pain of mental illness. He showed me how He cried with me, how He carried me when I could no longer walk, how He sent angels to protect me, how so much worse was planned for me by the enemy but God said No. He promised that nothing would happen to me that I couldn't bear, and He saw to that.

So from there, I began to see that everything that happened to me God had allowed. If He allowed it, then it had a purpose. I began to read Job. I read Joseph. I read David. I read of men who had suffered but who had not faltered in their love for God. And finally Father brought me to the garden of Gethsemane. I began to read of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, and how He prayed and wept until blood came out with his sweat. For days and days I read and re-read Jesus in the garden. Father was speaking to my heart. He was asking me to surrender to Him and to His will for my life. Could I do it? Could I let go of my anger at God for allowing what happened to me? Thank God He gave me grace to accept His will and plan for my life. That was the first step to healing. I began to say and to declare, God is a good God, and He loves me. Yes I suffered abuse and deprivation, but God is a good God, and He loves me. I declared that I would accept whatever He has planned for me, I would accept all that has happened, and I will accept all that will happen, I will accept His will for my life.

I had to come to a place of self-acceptance.

Accepting my circumstances, accepting that I am single, that I have never been married, that I was unable to do so many things that others do, accepting all that happened in my past, and accepting who I am now. That was difficult, and has been a process, and I am still in that process. But self-acceptance has taken away much of the striving to be who I am not, and anger that I am not different than I am, that my circumstances are the way they are.

I had to make a list of the things about myself that I thought meant I was worthless. Things like my physical appearance, poverty, failure, being single, and more than that, never having been married, never even having had a boyfriend. And so many other things I was so ashamed of and thought that I was worthless because of them.

Then I had to hear from Father how those things don't make me worthless. My value as a human being is not in any of those things.

My value is in who I am in Christ Jesus.

I am His daughter, I belong to Him, and that makes me valuable, as valuable as any other person. As I began to see myself as valuable because of Christ, I began also to see others in that same way, each person, no matter what their appearance or circumstances, is valuable to God.

From there Father took me to the story of the prodigal son. You see, I saw the story like this, I saw that the Father's house was supposed to be a place of plenty, but I was thinking money and possessions, things. I would read that story and then tell Father, I am in Your house and yet I am so desperately poor and needy and my life is in ruin. How can this be? Father took me to this story, and began to speak to me, and show me how He sees it. You see, it has nothing to do with this worlds goods and money and all the trappings of this world. There are many who live in rich homes and have fat bank accounts who are actually in the pigpen, eating slop. And there are those in the Fathers House who by all appearances have nothing, but are walking in authority and living as His sons and daughters, living in plenty. So I began to repent of thinking that because I am living in poverty that I am in the pigpen. I began to declare again, I am living in my Fathers house. And I am living as His daughter, and I am given authority as His child in this house.

The next thing Father showed me was about the anger and bitterness in my heart. Each step I was walking now was leading me further towards healing and deliverance. Each step was important.

I had been doing a Kay Arthur study from her book "Lord Is It Warfare?" Each lesson was helping me with these steps of healing I was taking. But the final breaking off of the depression, the final step out of the shackles, came when she taught a lesson on bitterness.

I had gone to church one morning, and gone forward for prayer, and there was a guest speaker that morning that came and prayed with me. He began to speak to me about forgiving those who have hurt me in my past. I said to this man, I have forgiven, zillions of times, over and over and over.

Forgiving doesn't work.

At least, for me I felt that I was willing to forgive, but I was still angry and bitter with those men who had raped others and me, who had hurt me and had ruined my life. I was still harboring bitterness in my heart. He said to me, you must go a step past forgiving them, and let go of the bitterness. You must let it all go.

I went home from church that day, knowing God had spoken to me, but still unsure of what I was really dealing with. I turned to my bible and my study book, Kay Arthur's book, and turned to the next lesson. I couldn't believe my eyes she was speaking on bitterness. I was so excited. God was speaking, and I was eager to hear from Him, and to deal with all that was in my heart. Kay's study on getting rid of the bitterness and anger was right on target. I got on my knees, and prayed, seriously prayed and repented of the bitterness. I forgave again, all those I blamed for the mess of my life. I took the bitterness in my hands and lifted my hands to the Lord and handed it all over to Him. Then I let it go. I let Him take it all. All the pain, the injustice, the anger, the despair and hopelessness, the shame, the hatred, the blaming God and others, I let Him take it all.

That was the day I was finally free once and for all.

And since that day, its just getting better and better. Healing continues, and I still have lots of things that need His Healing touch, but layer by layer He will do the work. Since that day, I have had no depression, and no anxiety or panic attacks. I just walk every day in His Presence, knowing how deeply He loves me.

Last night I had a dream. I dreamt I had two broken feet, and couldn't walk for the pain. Then God healed my feet, and I began to dance and shout and rejoice for joy. Then around me I saw other people with broken feet. And as I watched them, I saw their feet made whole just like mine had been. And I was rejoicing for them.

My email id is free now. I had chosen that in faith that one day I would truly be free. Now I am truly free. Free now!

NOTE: Mary is a member of our online e-group. This was a recent praise report from her and all I can say is Thank You JESUS and all praise and honor are to You oh LORD!

I praise the Lord for keeping me in Him this week. When i read the bible He speaks to my heart such wonderful words of peace. All my sins forgiven. And I am loved. Oh how I am loved! And He never leaves me alone, never. He is with me always, holding me in His arms. When i come into His presence I am under His wings, sheltered from the enemy and the storms of life. When it appears as if He is asleep in the boat while the waves rock and toss the boat of my life around, I know I am safe in His arms of love.

He has given me the privilege of being like a priest for my family and friends, I can come into the holy place to intercede for them, pleading the precious blood of Jesus for them, standing as priest for them.

I pray He will loosen my tongue to speak more of His wonderful love to me, and to testify of the glorious work he has done in my life. Yes I was once lost in darkness. My mind was under control of the enemy. But I called on the Lord and He heard my cry and came and delivered me. He restored my mind to me. He gave me freedom. I remember when I could not sleep without torment of seeing demonic things, without torment of demonic attack. And I was afraid of those demons. I knew they were powerful, they had demonstrated to me their power. But when the Lord Jesus came, they fled. And I am no longer afraid of them. I saw His power demonstrated and His power is glorious! I belong to Jesus Christ now. I am sealed and marked as belonging to Him. All the demons know it the angels know it. I am my Beloved's. What joy!

It's true I have never known romantic love yet, man/woman love. But oh how much more glorious is the love affair I am having now with the One who died for me, the One who loves me so much He has to turn His face away at times because He is overcome with my beauty. (Song of Solomon) :)

When He and I are together sharing our hearts, all the pain of my singleness eases off. I communicate with Him, He hears me, He understands me. I don't have to struggle to make myself understood to Him because He knows every beat of my heart. I don't even need words to communicate my love to Him. He knows. Loneliness is relieved when He and I commune together.

My heart is full and satisfied.

Oh Lord Jesus thank you for loving me. Thank you for my friends here who have loved me with Your love, who have prayed for me that I may come into this relationship with You. I pray for them also Father Your mighty love to pour into them, fill them, ease the pain in their hearts, surround them with Your Light and Life and Presence. Bless each precious one Lord Jesus

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