A Choice that Changed My Life

     When I first heard thewords, "you are pregnant" I didn't know what to do.

      It was 1970, I was basically living on the streets of New York with different friends and the thoughts that were going through my mind at that moment were overwhelming. I had people telling me to have an abortion, (though they weren't legal at that time), others told me about giving up the baby for adoption, (because I was too young) and there were even some who didn't want to face the facts and tried to just act like nothing had happened and that life would go on just fine.

      I was confused, scared and alone and didn't know what to do. I was 19 years old with no place to live and yet knowing there was a child inside of me somehow bought me hope. The father of the child was gone. He was from another country and had been in the states for just a short time and when I found out I was pregnant I also found out that he had gone back home for good and there was no way to contact him. Later I heard that he had gotten very sick and was dying.

I couldn't go home, my mother would have killed me, (a fear most young women in this position face) and I couldn't stay living where I was if I was going to have this child.

     For weeks all the options went through my head even abortion. I lived in New York and if I wanted to have it there was always someone willing to do it. I was scared and found all I could do was cry for a long time.

     Finally, one day I picked up the phone and called my older sister. She lived on Long Island and had been there for me before and feeling like there was nowhere else to turn I called her. They immediately opened their home to me and for a while I felt safe. They tried not to judge me but to help me. I talked with many people, friends of the family, counselors and doctors and

almost everyone involved told me all the reasons I should give up this child for adoption.

     For me that was a harder choice than abortion, because abortion was not really an option for me, I didn't know the Lord at the time but I knew in my heart it was not the right answer but now I faced another choice, adoption or keeping this wonderful being that was growing inside of me. I knew I couldn't give this baby up and maybe at that time it was for selfish reasons. I wanted someone to love and someone to love me and finally I thought this baby was the answer. I made a decision to keep her and plans were under way. My sister helped me to learn about babies and their needs, her neighbors were a great support and even took bets on whether the baby was a boy or girl (no sonograms back then). I began to feel accepted and loved and safe.

      I was beginning to think I could do this when finally I had to face my mother. I had not seen her through most of the pregnancy (on purpose) but now she was coming to my sister's house for a few days. I was seven months pregnant and there was no way to hide this anymore. I will never forget her reaction. She yelled and screamed and called me all sorts of names. I cried.

I really needed her love at that time and it just wasn't there at least not at that moment.

     She told me I needed to give the baby up and even questioned why I didn't have an abortion. She said there was no way I could raise a baby. I wasn't good enough. My heart was broken as I asked her how she could even suggest something like that after having eight children of her own. By this time the baby was quite active inside of me and I was experiencing joy and hope. I was excited, but those moments with my mother took all of that away.

By the time she left that night I was suicidal and thought the only answer to this was to kill myself along with the child inside of me.

     I cried for what seemed like hours and contemplated how I would take my life when finally my sister came in the room with arms of love and acceptance and assured me she would be there for me through all of this. I didn't know God then but I know now that He knew who would be the one to help me and I thank Him for her support every day. I knew it wasn't easy for her, she had to tell her friends and other family members and yet she didn't show any shame only support.

Thank God for sisters.

     She planned a baby shower for me and it was wonderful. My mother refused to come and the anger toward her just grew inside of me. I did not understand her reaction but we grew up in a house of anger and pain so I was kind of use to it and tried to ignore it.

     Finally, the day came for this baby to be born.

      It was the middle of the night and I was experiencing the beginning of contractions. My sister got up and took me to the hospital and they got me ready to give birth. What we learned when we got there was just another part of God's divine plan of forgiveness and healing. It was the early 70's and at that time no one was allowed in your room except your husband or your mother. I was grieved, I didn't have a husband and the last person I wanted in there was someone who was so against me having this child but there was no choice.

     My sister had called the rest of the family and they drove out from the city to the island and were all out in the waiting room including my mother. I was in labor for a long time and was not dilating and the doctors decided to send me for an x-ray to see what was going on. It was decided that I was not going to have this baby the normal way due to something with the pelvic bone and that I would need a C-section.

     Okay, now I am alone, afraid, in pain and they are talking to me about something I knew nothing about and standing in the doorway was my mother. She tried in her own way to comfort me, she told me I would be okay but I was still angry with her and asked how she knew, she had never gone through this yet she was the only one they would let in the room so I had to take whatever comfort she could give. She was the one who would go out and tell the rest of the family what was going on.

      I really felt bad for my sister, she had been with me all the way through this and now in the moments I really needed her she wasn't allowed. From the time I went into the hospital until the time they took me into the operating room was about 18 hours and then I was put to sleep and when I woke up most of my family was standing around my bed full of joy and excitement and that included my mother. They were saying " you got your girl", they knew I wanted a girl and everyone was excited.

This precious baby was the beginning of a new life for me, what it would bring I didn't know but I knew only good could come from something and someone so beautiful and loving. And it did.

    Almost 30 years later I sit here and share my story with you. Why? Because I want you to know that life is important and that choosing life is even more important. I want you to know that there will be obstacles but the Lord will bring you through. I also want you to know that you will never know what could have been if you don't decide to take the chance and make the right choice for you and your baby.

     My baby is grown now and has a wonderful daughter named Brittnee, (you can see her on the Friends and Family page), if I had given up back then, if I had given into the pressures of my friends and the well meaning words of doctors and counselors I may never have experienced life with my beautiful daughter and now with my granddaughter.

     Since that time the Lord has come into my life and He has shown me that He was there all the way through even when I wasn't aware of it. He put the right people in the right places and He walked me through every step. Was it hard? Yes! Was it worth it, more than you will ever know and just to let you know my mom and my daughter, well they became so close that there are still times when all the other grandchildren remind my daughter how she was Grandma's favorite. The Lord does work in mysterious ways and brings good from every situation when we make choices that honor Him and the sanctity of life.

     If you are faced with being pregnant and not knowing what to do please take the time to think about the life inside of you and what you and that little one will miss if they never have a chance to come into this world.

We are listing some resources to help you in your decision to choose life and please always know that you can contact me for support and encouragement from someone who has been there.

     There is truly nothing to hard for God and I promise you He will walk you through it and that He has a plan and a purpose for you and that unborn child.

     I also want you to know that I am not in any way against adoption. If that is the answer for you then please follow through. There are many wonderful people who desire to give all of their love to a child, for me the decision was to keep my child but the ultimate decision is to give life to the one growing inside of you and however you need to do that will be what works best for you and your child. Just give him or her the chance to live and experience the love that Our Father has ordained from before the foundations of the world.

Please read  Amanda's  Testimony

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